ISBN What the Reviewers said: 'Profoundly moving' This is the true story of a psychologist who has specialized in working with individuals and organizations impacted by a sudden trauma. From childhood to adulthood in search of answers-her quest intensified after a knife attack by someone who broke into her home one night, while she was sleeping next to her five-month-old baby. Harassed because you keep telling me to do something.
I wish I knew. Oh how I wish I knew. Can you tell me? Can somebody tell me? Why am I like this? Very belittled and angry at myself. I might as well die. I think : Why? Why should I eat? Rejected for not doing what you think I am supposed to. Another bash to my already dwindling self-confidence — you just succeeded in making me feel more desperate and more depressed.
I think : But you told me not to compare myself with others when I told you I was envious of others who have achieved more than me. So how double faced is it that just because others are less fortunate I can compare with them? I know you are trying to tell me I should count my blessings — I do, trust me I do. But how does this solve my depression? I still feel that life is not worth living despite being grateful for what I have. I am too tired to carry on and try. Proceed to jumping out the window from 30 th floor. But I know.
How do I change my head? I feel : Furious at myself for not being able to control my head and thinking. Alone that no one can understand me. Alienate myself. Doomed to fail; might as well die…. You might consider our reactions and emotions to what you say extremely unreasonable. I will not argue about it. Yet, it is our reality and we completely believe it, irrational or not. You will only push us further down our bleak track.
My contention is that, the wrong thing said, can unknowingly push a depressed friend over the edge. Please, give us a break. Just sit with us , let us cry, kick your shoes or whatever. Leave the lecturing to a medical expert such as a psychologist who can do it skillfully. I compiled this from experience and based on my own reactions; I winced every time someone said the above to me in the last three years.
Just for reference. If you have anything else to add to the list of things to not say to a depressed person, feel free to in comments below. And if you liked this blurb please share with your friends and help my blog grow. Thanks for coming by. My psychologist said to me, there is no need to justify.
It happened, and we have to deal with it, confront it, and prevent it from happening again, just like any other cold or stomach aches we get. For me, it was an enriching journey to find out more about myself through my depression. I hope you find something in it for you. Embrace depression. Embrace the pain. You will make it through to.
Write to me any time if you want to vent. NochNoch you are too modest. In your own way, with your blog and by sharing yourself so generaously with thge world, you are counselling. And you are helping others. Be proud — this is a great thing you are doing. I will give myself a pat on my back as you suggest. I like the fact that you are non-judgmental. I used to fight with depression as well, and when someone came around trying to talk me out of it, I got even more depressed.
Today, I have mastered the art of happy existence by subjugating my ego and detaching myself from all temporal activities. It was a liberating epiphany once realized that I may be in this world, but not of it. Now, I just observe the world and remain centered, transcending the fight-flight response to circumstance, events, people, chaos, merriment, or even tragedies. Trying to be in the world and not letting it control me or me, trying to control it. I cannot add to your amazing list. You have covered everything! Could I do it for you?
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I should have thought about that before this post hahaha… your suggestions are great. Bringing supper over is great, and just offering help. I need to write another list! Thanks for suggesting this. For people that have never been deeply depressed, if they can just imagine the worst headache they have ever had, that would help with quite a few of these. Do you want to eat, or get up and be active, or just snap out of it, or explain why it hurts when you have a bad headache?
Does thinking about the fact that your foot does not hurt really help your headache? Oh so true. Thank you for putting it so succinctly. Shared on Facebook. Thanks for sharing on Facebook!
I hope more people can understand us. And indeed, if we could snap out of it, I would have done that three years ago! Hope you are doing ok with your struggles. I understand every single one. Thanks for coming by — and nice to meet you over pinterest and facebook. We all try I know.
We try so hard it exhausts us I think. Thanks for that. I indulged in jigsaw puzzles. I have some 15 or them stacked up now at home. I definitely think that more awareness of depression is needed. You see leaflets in doctors surgeries giving help for all sorts of ilnesses. I remember when I was younger I cut my head and I was sent home with a leaflet about follow up symptoms. I think it should be mandatory for anyone diagnosed with depression to be given a booklet that explains the illness in an easy form and gives help and guidance to loved ones.
There could be a list of recommended books for those who are interested and help lines to call for support or emergencies. All that usually happens is a prescription of anti-depressants. I had to push and push to be referred to an alternative method of therapy. I was on medication for 4 months before being passed on to a support group called Positive Step. Thanks for your perspectives on this.
I agree, many of us resort to anti depressants. My psychologist said anti depressants are not as effective as with therapy. Perhaps we need some medication to tone up our physical level of serontonins in the first place, but we need therapy and support group. I totally agree. It is with the talking and crying that I started to come to terms with myself. I know i was one. I had no idea what was going on.
I must have been depressed for much longer prior to being diagnosed medically. Many of us go through that without knowing, and without understanding our symptoms etc. There are more and more awareness campaigns these days. Thanks again for sharing your thoughts. I love your vivid warnings about what you would do to people who dare to say the 10 forbidden things to depressed people. You would have made a great and fearsome Empress!
That aside, looking at those 10 things did make me feel irritated as I read them. I too have grappled with depression so I know how awful these 10 things sound. Driven to despair I might just start impaling people myself. This to me is as good as not saying anything since it does not make me feel better, neither does it resolve my situation. We are both agreed on this point. Like you I cannot be bothered when I am depressed. I remember reading that Casanova, one of the earlier Aries I used to admire, slept a lot when he was depressed. Sleeping a lot when I am depress does indeed help.
Did you know, being depress burns a lot of energy and you just feel super tired for some reason. I did like how your fiance brought you out of the house for a walk. Just walking by your side and being there for you and changing the scenery would have helped you to feel better. Indeed all we want and need is some comfort or at least to let us be until we feel better.
It is a matter of going through the healing process and we may have to do whatever it takes to crawl out of the hole to reach the light again. If people cannot encourage us, the last thing we need is for them to discourage us. Thanks for sharing your thoughts on these. The hard thing is that, when we were going through it, we had no energy to tell them, as you say, we were always tired.
Really powerful. I know being depressed is way different than just having a bad day or even a bad week. So the wording has to be different. And I apologize in advance if I have ever said these things to you! Maybe I can add you to the creme brulee after deep frying you! To dispel the difference we need to communicate our thoughts.
We all need more people like you around to keep us going. I probably would have too, if I wasnt on the other receiving end myself. So more communication, and we can all learn to live with each other. I like the picture too. So I can relate to many of the points you list. Knowing what not to do, or say is a good place for them to start understanding! Very good! Thanks — you bring up in this post so many ways other people respond that are definitely not sympathetic, or empathetic, or helpful.
Some people who say these kinds of things may be trying to be helpful, others are just ignorant, and others may be uncomfortable facing someone with depression or another mental health challenge. I hope more people become aware of our plights and also facilitate conversation between us so we may understand and be sensitive to each other. I was told many of these things since I was too in a deep shit Hell ride once….
I admire what you have done and how you are helping others now reach within themselves to solve their own problems. Great article, Noch Noch. Just consider myself spiritual, not religious. I get upset because the message I get from someone worried about me is that I need to put on a happy face all the time for them. I refuse to be inauthentic any longer.
Blah… they can keep their worry. Thanks for sharing. Glad you agree with me my dear friend. We suffer the same and I know you can empathize. Those were great 3 additions you put in the comments. And strangely, I had the exact same experience re 1 and have drifted away from the church as a result. As for 2 , i totally get what you mean.
I feel that some friends did that to me too, whether they intended to or not. It made me feel guilty and I felt manipulated. LIke you, i preferred to deal with it on my own terms and time. Thanks for sharing your story, and the pain here, so openly. It takes a lot to do so. Beautiful article. Loved it! Forgive me if I say the wrong things to you sometimes. I always mean to help… It is good to be reminded though that what we often need most is to be heard.
From my experience, gentle guidance does make a difference.
It acts as a crutch that we can lean on through those unpleasant times. And sometimes when you are informed of what to expect, the ordeal becomes a bit more bearable. The element of surprise is not as powerful. When I first came to North America, I remember liking the fact that dentist here tell you exactly what they will be doing at every step and they let you know how it is going to feel too. So you jump less.
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Their experience becomes part of your knowledge and experience. Keep your ears tuned to the right info. Much love, H. Great to hear from you here again. And yes the element of surprise, after communication, becomes less jumpy. I hope everyone can keep communicating. Write only when you feel like it or have something to say. They are well meaning but have no clue how to support someone who is hurting emotional or mentally.
I do become selective on who to brief on my emotional state. I value mostly those who reassure me that things will improve, that I am on the right track… and that I am not a freak of nature. Besides, some advice that is offered is valid, but if one is not ready for it, it will go in one ear, out another. A year or two down the road, it could make more sense and save you lots of miseries… Regards, Hanan. So what? Did you cry for hours for no reason?
Did you spend entire days on the couch staring into space? Does the slightest hint of negativity punch you in the gut? Way too simplistic, and smacks of Pollyanna. Thanks — now I have guilt to add to my list of things that make me cry. Noch Noch, I love that you clarified for me the reasons why some of these comments make me so aggravated. Those are great additions!!! I find those advice also useless given our low mood periods. It cracked me up, that example you gave about the surgeon.
I visualized the scene and just cracked up hahaha. I think if we put it to that light, with such a great analogy, people may understand more too, so thanks for explaining it in a easy to grasp way. Hope you will come back again soon, and I hope you are doing well in your struggles against depression.
Just want to say, thank you so much for writing this. Years ago when I was going through my deepest darkest experiences, the hardest thing was feeling so alone and misunderstood, even by family members who felt they had my best interest at heart. Thanks for sharing your experience and story. And also understanding that this is an illness like any other. I hope we all form a bond somehow, so we know we have each other to rely on, even though we have never met, for we know what it feels like.
I am seeing doctor and under care of mental health team now,also on strong mood lifters, antidepressants and some antibiotics as I also have a chest infection and something else which made it worse……. Thanks for responding and i hope my comment helps someone understand how we are thinking in the midst of it all. Hi Crystal I had some combination of physical pains too. Help please. My married daughter is suffering from depression. The Xanax really kicked my butt today.
I want to tell her not to post things on Fb about the medicines she is taking or her current stratus. Is it okay or necessary for posting stuff like that. I want to be supportive. Is she wanting responses?? Any guidance. The ony thing I ever really say is that I love her. Why does she post stuff like that? How do we respond? Sorry to hear about your daughter. It might turn her away from you. I kind of hid my posts frm my mother for a while. But if she wants to post, I think let her be. I strongly suggest that she find some expert help in counselling and to talk things through with someone who can coach her.
However, it might also need to eb done delicately, as I rejected the notion of psychologist from the beginning and my fiance had to drag me there. He knew I was getting very very worse. If her husband has trouble dealing with her depression, feel free to email me and I can connect them to my fiance. Please let us know how it works out and how she is. Please realize I am obviously on the outside looking in and can only give advise from my own life, I am not a doctor, ect.
First of all, your daughter, did she get the Xanax from a psychiatrist? I take Xanax too for amazing anxiety, and it really can make you really tired, enough to post about it, trust me! She could have hidden the post from you, she did not. My advise? Talk to her. My parents saved my life. By watching and listening. Sure I was about 13, but you never stop being her parent right?
If you want, friend request me on Face book and we could talk more there. If not I understand, I just felt compelled to say something to someone who obviously needs to talk! Thanks everyone for your input. She is seeing a counselor. Husband has also attended with her. Thanks so much. I hope she will find strength in herself. Lots of love Noch Noch. She also pointed out that I hardly had any friends and I felt as if that was my fault and something was wrong with me that no one liked me even though I was being intensely bullied for years before and still then, at the time I realized then that that my mother was right and sank into a deep, deep, depression that lasted in various forms for the better part of the rest of my teenage years.
I still struggle with depression but not to that extent, I know more now who I am and what I am interested in and passionate about and I finally have a good support system and friends. Whats the point? I have nothing to live for. It feels nosy, partly, like your trying to find gossip fodder, not that you care. But I think if you maintain a good balance of good boundaries and self care for yourself while also leaving your own agenda out when supporting someone, then you can be helpful to that person, to as much an extent as you can be.
Thank you so much for writing this. What heartfelt comments you made. I empathize, and also a big thank you for sharing your story here so openly. It has to be about the person we are caring for. The world needs more kind hearted people as you, who knows that when we care, we simply, care, with no agenda. Just wanted to mention keep up the good job! Hi Noch Noch, I found your blog via the Forbes article you wrote about success tips for expat execs.
This post about depression could help a lot of people. Please can you get in touch with me about potentially sharing this on our Expat Women blog? Thanks so much, Andrea x. Thanks for dropping by, and I completely understand where you are coming from. I was guilty as charged too, for before my depression I also did not understand why some people think the way they do. My best friend just talked to me everyday with messages on email, because we were not in the same city. It served to distract me a bit.
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I have been seriously depressed, and am mostly functioning now, plan to be taking meds the rest of my life, and really really hope that I never sink into that black space again. Yet, I have to admit that I am guilty of saying platitudes to my sister, who is in the midst of a great depression. Maybe not these ones exactly, but close enough to have gotten her angry at me. Anger is good. It shows that other feelings are starting to poke through.
Still I respect her wish not to be given those platitudes. Just one. It will help. Writing helps. A lot. Thanks for sharing your thoughts.
Sorry to hear of your plight. But yes writing helps a lot. I drown myself in writing and trying to flesh out my thoughts. I also write occasional articles for publication. Not enough to earn a living, but it is still good for me. A tool to empower the powerless… Depression can be as lethal as addiction and it is certainly as isolating and misunderstood. I struggled with it from 14 to 35 before I was diagnosed with bi-polar two and went into treatment.
I was catatonic. Today, with the help of good medications and an exceptional psyciactric councler, I live a stable and beautiful life. Who would have thought that was possible???? I wish you all the very best. Wow — that was a long time and kudos to you for hanging on in there. You sound very cheerful and content. I will get out of this too and be more stable!! Indeed I think we are very misunderstood, so I want to share my story and tell it for other people to understand us.
I really enjoyed reading this and the rest of your blog. Thanks for coming by and happy to hear you like my blog. Yes I think depression is misunderstood a lot, as is many other mental illnesses. So hopefully a few more people can understand. I went in search of an article like this because last night I was bombarded with terribly insensitive and arrogant statements just like it. A drama queen? I mean where do I start? So I went home thinking I was this joy vampire that sucks the life out of everything. No wonder I have so few friends.
I completely feel you. Perhaps all those phrases we loathe have truth in them for someone who does not have depression, and some people play victim or are indeed too negative. So rest assured you are not the only one.
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I hope you find solace somewhere else who can comfort you, just sit with you and let you let out your emotions without criticizing. Unfortunately, in the midst, we get more confused with the wealth of information and emergency hotlines Google sends […]. This entry made me think a lot about my own experiences of both living with depression and dealing with it in someone else. The central idea is the same though. My partner is a kind, hard working and decent man who until recently worked full time in customer service for a major European bank. He had been upfront with his manager and line manager about his treatment for PTSD and the company had actually provided and financed some of his treatment.
Shortly before Christmas he was having a bad time of things, lots of episodes and finding it really hard to maintain motivation and actually get himself up and into work in the morning. Between Christmas and New Year he got the chance to speak to his line manager about the difficulties he was having.
He was signed off work shortly after that and has not been able to go back yet. He wants to. He wants to be working for a living and helping me to provide for our future and save for our wedding and plan our lives together. Yet he cannot go back and face his place of work now knowing that when things get rough, this will be the response he faces from the person who is supposed to support him.
And that is on our minds a lot as we are in our early thirties now and the clock is ticking. Thanks for sharing this story — very powerful and very true. But you are right, no one knows what triggers. What looks like from outside to be happy may not be the case really. Everyone thought I was happy and had it all. And I felt bad I was depressed. We try very hard to do what we can even with depression.
I was told at work, by the Employee Assistance Worker, that there are children starving in India. She continued to tell me all about India. It was torture. I love my job I am currently on long-term disability. I miss my job. It is a great job. The working conditions became unbearable. I was treated sub-human. My office manager and his boss I have so many bosses told me that I just need to get over things and forget the past. They proceeded to chart out my every sick day over the past three years and tell me and my peers, behind my back why I was not going to be getting an acting managerial opportunity.
Because I am weak, I was told. When really, I do my job very, very well. Clearly inequitable treatment. I had put up with this for years. Harassment, humiliation, being held back from opportunity. They are just so busy with their own crazy life. This made me feel like a huge, huge burden, completely unimportant, unwanted, not worth any kind of effort, selfish, stupid for even trying… everything of that sort. Nothing seems right. I have been fighting this since diagnosis in I want a life. I have no children. I have no husband, no boyfriend. All I have is fear and insecurity, self-loathing.
Over the past 15 years she has specialised in responding to those impacted by sudden trauma whether individuals, families, organisations or communities across Western Australia and including some remote islands. Her university research, voluntary community service and professional trauma response work have been recognised by university, state and national awards.
Marjorie is married with two children. She has been a long-standing member of the Australian Baha'i Community and served on it's national governing body for 12 years. Rating details. Book ratings by Goodreads. Goodreads is the world's largest site for readers with over 50 million reviews. We're featuring millions of their reader ratings on our book pages to help you find your new favourite book.
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